Phantom of the Opera Movie Parody
by roflcopterskates
Summary: A parody of the Phantom of the Opera movie. I put it a bit out of order, but...I think it works nicely. R & R! T for a bit of language!
1. Prologue

Roflcopterskates, again! I wrote this a while ago, and I've been meaning to upload it…well! Obvious disclaimer is obvious! I own nothing! Now on with the show! I hope you all enjoy! :D 

The Phantom of the Opera, Movie Parody

Start with, YOUNG MADAME GIRY, wandering around a gypsy fairground. She stops before a tent, where BURLY MAN is shouting at her and her ballet troupe.

BURLY MAN:  
HEY! SCRAWNY LITTLE KIDS! COME ON IN HERE! DON'T YOU WANT TO BE SCARED SHITLESS!?

BALLET GIRL 1:  
(eyes widen in fear)

BURLY MAN:  
NO! I SWEAR TO GOD I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE!

BALLET GIRL 1:  
(slowly backs away)

YOUNG MADAME GIRY:  
I'll go in! How much?

BURLY MAN:  
Well, I mean, there IS a price, but...I don't have anyone out here taking money. So, you can just voluntarily throw money at my freakshow.

YOUNG MADAME GIRY:  
Throwing solid objects? Freakshow? That totally sounds right and justified! I'll go in! (goes into the TENT)

BURLY MAN:  
(closes the TENT, shouts) OKAY! EVERYONE WATCH AS I PUBLICLY BEAT MY SLAVE-CHILD WITH A WHIP FOR NO APPARENT REASON! (goes inside the ENCLOSURE where YOUNG ERIK resides, whips him) WHOO! NOW WHO WANTS TO GIVE ME MONEY?!

ONLOOKERS:  
(look around at each, shrug, nod in agreement)

ONLOOKER 1:  
I WANT MY MONEY'S WORTH eventhoughIpaidnothing...SHOW US HIS FACE SO WE CAN POINT AND LAUGH AT HIS MISFORTUNE!

BURLY MAN:  
(removes the sack, covering YOUNG ERIK's face)

ONLOOKER 1:  
BAHAHA! HE'S SO UGLY!

YOUNG MADAME GIRY:  
I'm gonna let him free after all you people leave. Just sayin.

BURLY MAN:  
Wait, what?

YOUNG MADAME GIRY:  
I'm gonna steal him. (short pause) ...You know what? Why wait! (opens the door to the ENCLOSURE)

YOUNG ERIK:  
(runs out, on the way, punches BURLY MAN)

YOUNG MADAME GIRY:  
BE FREE! BE FREE YOUNG FERAL CHILD!

TATTLE TALE:  
MURDER!!!!

ONLOOKER 1:  
But he just punched him.

TATTLE TALE:  
Well...he killed some bacteria in that punch!

ONLOOKER 1:  
THE BASTARD!

YOUNG MADAME GIRY:  
RUN FORREST! RUN!

Everyone turns to her in confusion.

YOUNG MADAME GIRY:  
(laughs nervously) Haha! My plan to catch you all off guard worked! So long suckers! (runs off and catches up with YOUNG ERIK) So! You wanna stay I'm hiding for the rest of your life, live in a dirty basement forced to constantly listen to opera music and slowly become insane?

YOUNG ERIK:  
(short pause) ...Sure?

YOUNG MADAME GIRY:  
Cool! Let's go! (takes him to the OPERA POPULAIRE's basement)

You like it? Hate it? Let me know! Please review!


	2. Scene 1

Hey! Sorry for the bit of a wait. But here it is! Scene 1! And I hope you don't mind, but I make a little guest appearance. :P Anyway. Disclaimer. As always. I own nothing. On with the show!

20 or so years have passed, and the OPERA POPULAIRE is preparing for Hannibal. CARLOTTA rushes onstage.

CARLOTTA:

(shouts)

HEY EVERYBODY! COME LISTEN TO HOW AWESOME I AM!

(Everyone puts on earplugs, then gathers)

CARLOTTA:

(sucks)

(RETIRING DIRECTOR comes onstage with FIRMIN and ANDRE.)

RETIRING DIRECTOR:

(interrupts CARLOTTA's singing by yelling)

SOOO! Here's the people that are taking over my job because, thanks to you all, I'm slowly going insane. Hope you're happy.

CAST:

Aw.

CARLOTTA:

(slaps PIANGI)

I TOLD YOU!

RETIRING DIRECTOR:

(starts leaving, then stops and goes to CARLOTTA)

CARLOTTA, now that I'm leaving, and I'll never see you again, and I'll never need to grovel anymore…You suck. You suck at singing, and you just suck in general. A lot.

(tips hat)

Good day.

(leaves)

CARLOTTA:

(is pissed)

I'M GONN A PUNCH A BABY IN THE FACE!

(RAOUL enters)

RAOUL:

Hey everybody. I'm the Vicomte de Chagny.

ME:

(walking by)

No one cares you stupid fop.

(leaves)

FIRMIN:

Who the hell are you, frilly man?

ANDRE:

Yeah. What's with that ruffled shirt?

RAOUL:

I'm the patron. I have a lot of money, so I can dress this way and still have confidence in my masculinity.

FIRMIN:

…So you have money…and you're giving it to us?

RAOUL:

That is correct.

FIRMIN and ANDRE:

WE LOVE your shirt!

FIRMIN:

(shoves ANDRE aside)

I love your shirt more!

ANDRE:

(shoves FIRMIN aside)

Your hair is SO bouncy!

FIRMIN:

AND SHINY!

RAOUL:

(stands proudly)

Thank you. I double condition.

CARLOTTA:

(drapes herself on RAOUL)

Heyyyy…You wanna hear me sing?

RAOUL:

Uh…

CAST:

(looks to RAOUL desperately shaking their heads, "kill" gesture, mouthing, 'NO!')

RAOUL:

(is too stupid to understand)

Ok!

CARLOTTA:

(sucks. …again.)

(Pan to ERIK)

ERIK:

(slams desk)

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL THESE PEOPLE TO GET RID OF HER?!

(Pan to stage again)

JOSEPH BUQUET:

(brandy in hand, swaying)

JESUS CHRIST! YOU SUCK CARLOTTA!

CARLOTTA:

(shakes fist)

(Suddenly, the backdrop falls on top of her. Then a sand weight. And booze. Then the bottle. And a tomato.)

CARLOTTA:

DAMMIT JOSEPH!

JOSEPH BUQUET:

IT WASN'T ME! …ok the booze was me. BUT NOT THE BACKDROP! I'm telling you there's no one there! Don't look at me! I wasn't at my post!

FIRMIN:

Why weren't you at your post? All you have to do is move lights. As if your job weren't easy enough.

JOSEPH BUQUET:

(silence)

CONDUCTOR:

FREAKIN' A BUQUET! ARE YOU DRUNK ON THE JOB AGAIN?!

JOSEPH BUQUET:

I SWEAR TO DRUNK I'M NOT GOD!

CAST:

(facepalm)

MADAME GIRY:

(walks up, dancing and singing)

I just got a letter…I just got a letter! I just got a letter I wonder who it's from?!

ANDRE:

Uh…just…hand it here…Madame…

MADAME GIRY:

(hands it)

ANDRE:

(reads it)

O.G.?

MADAME GIRY:

Orgy? No thanks.

FIRMIN:

(facepalm)

_O.G.!_

MADAME GIRY:

Oh! Yeah. Opera Ghost. He welcomes you to his opera house.

FIRMIN:

_HIS_ opera house.

MADAME GIRY:

Yes. He's also got a lovely summer home in Sweden…with a garden…and puppies…puppies everywhere…puppies galore…

ANDRE:

I love puppies!

MADAME GIRY:

I know, right?!

FIRMIN:

(slightly annoyed)

As much as I love puppies…what else does the letter say?

ANDRE:

(about to talk)

MADAME GIRY:

(interrupts)

He wants you to keep Box 5 empty so he can be a creeper in there.

ANDRE:

Did you _read_ this letter?

MADAME GIRY:

(eyes shift around the room)

…Maybe…maybe not.

ANDRE:

…How'd you even read it without breaking the seal?

MADAME GIRY:

Uh…Have I told you guys about how he would leave me chocolates in Box 5? …No wrapper or anything which was kinda weird. But they weren't spiked! It kinda reminded me of something my grandpa would do…you know…giving you hard candies…

FIRMIN:

(nods)

Yeah…I know what you mean…

ANDRE:

(hits him)

FIRMIN!

FIRMIN:

(looks down)

Sorry…So what else does the letter say, ANDRE?

ANDRE:

Oh, it says—

MADAME GIRY:

He wants his monies.

FIRMIN:

Money? Why? What the hell does he do to deserve money?

MADAME GIRY:

Well…he…strangles people…and…kidnaps young girls…and he kills…people.

FIRMIN:

And we're paying him to do that why?

MADAME GIRY:

(shrugs)

I dunno. You're the idiots in charge. Not me.


End file.
